Friday, January 7, 2011

Ease off the Manifest!!!

This is one of the images that will be featured on my 2011 vision board. Lately, it's been more Carpe and less Awesome, but I'm changing that as we speak...

I haven't blogged in forever. I have a huge backlog of ideas, but none have felt inspired. Several Buffy songs are in the works; none of them complete. I have been working like a dog on remodeling my room. Some of it is cleaner and nicer; the rest messier than before. I have poured hours, dollars, and endless energy into my vision board, which is just now starting to look beautiful, but the intent with which I've pushed to get it done feels like it defeats the whole purpose of the thing. I'm out of money and need to look for a job, but I need to take care of the mess in my room before I can feel ready to crack open that can of worms. When my friend Jonathan asked me on New Year's Eve what knowledge or intentions I wanted to take into the new year, I honestly didn't know. And I still don't. I've come up with a lot of fables/phrases/lessons learned, but none of them really feel right. Everything feels disconnected. Sure, I've had wonderful moments of revelation, relaxation, and connection with friends, but I spend most hours of the day myopic, bleary-eyed, and tunnel-visioned all at the same time. Like the song says, something's gotta give.

Obviously, I don't feel this way right now. I wouldn't be blogging if I did. So what changed? For one thing, a lot of the projects I've been slaving away at are finally coming together. My new Buffy flyer, complete with swank logo, is almost finished. The last of my vision board photos -- including several spectacular ones by Carl Mahoney -- are ready to print. (For those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept, a vision board is a giant poster-like thing with pictures, quotes, and phrases that inspire you, along with images of you next to the people you want to work with. The idea is that if you imagine it, build it, and see it every day, it will come true. And it does.) Last night, after hours of fiddling around on Photoshop, I successfully crafted my own Hollywood star. And just before hitting the sack, I felt compelled to sit at my keyboard and chip away at the Anya song.

So yes, I accomplished a lot and that felt good. But I've been accomplishing stuff all along. We accomplish metric boatloads of stuff on a small-to-grand scale every day, and sometimes even the biggest stuff doesn't gratify us upon completion. Furthermore, the more contingent our happiness is on causes and conditions, the crappier we will feel on the whole, even if those causes and conditions are met. The accomplishment-high hit me at the end of the day and was the symptom, not the cause. Here's the story behind the REAL feel-good moment.

I was having a session with my amazing therapist, who I hadn't seen in a while and who always helps me make sense of things that seem like a jumble on my own. Usually, it's all figurative. This time, it was literal too. I described how I was feeling overwhelmed by everything I was trying to do; how it felt like a bunch of voices were screaming all at once and I couldn't keep my head on straight with all the noise, much less hear what any of them were trying to say. She handed me a pile of rocks and shells and said, "Let's do an exercise." We sat on the floor like little kids. "Pretend these rocks and shells are your obligations. Now, they're all in a huge clump. You need to figure out which one to choose first. Right?" I nodded. "So how do you do it?"

My hands instantly spread them out. My brain caught up a few seconds later. "Oh!" I exclaimed. It all made sense! Spread them out. Spread them out spread them out spread them out. These creatures I had created that felt like they were encroaching on me -- all they needed was room to breathe. (I guess you could say the same for me.)

So I took a little trip down to Hollywood. Window shopped. Randomly ran into my friend Adam Bronstein. Photographed some of the stars to collage into my own (in case you are curious, the little "camera" icon is Fred Astaire's). Drove back up to my neighborhood. Took a swim. Ate some food. Got back to work. And by the end of the day, I felt back on track.

So now I feel a little more ready to face the world, but I also know that I need to give it a rest, especially with the manifesting. Now that I've practiced my donuts, it's time to let the engine cool. Speaking of which, it's a beautiful day and I'm going to go out and enjoy it for a bit. Carpe carpe carpe. AWESOME!!!

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